Halloween 2009

Halloween was a little different this year. Anthony was home sick. Some people think he just has the flu (me) while others think he has the swine flu (his father). I don't know how to tell the difference, but bottom line, my baby is sick! Because of that, Halloween felt a little empty.

Brian and I had a good time out with Parker and Tyler though. We went around a few blocks around our house. Parker went as Captain Rex from Star Wars. Tyler went as a jester. It was funny to watch them run around because Parker couldn't see out his helmet very well so he was trying to keep up with Tyler. Upon re-reading that sentence, it doesn't do it justice. I guess you had to be there. Anyhow, it was good to spend some time with just the twins.

When we got back and the boys went through all their loot, they brought me some of my favorites. They said since I didn't go trick or treating (in an actual costume) it was only fair of them to give me some candy, oh, and they also don't like those pieces! It was a good thought right until the end! Still, they shared and that made me happy.

Happy Halloween everyone! Happy Birthday Dad!

When it rains it pours!

Anyone who lives or has visited Oregon can attest to its absolute beauty. Of course, that beauty comes with a price. Rain! Lots and lots of rain.

I actually like the rain. I think it is soothing. Many people find it stressful or depressing. To me, it is only stressful when I am having a good hair day and only depressing when it gets dark!

The dark is what gets me the most. With the time changing tonight the darkness comes sooner. In the height of winter it will be dark around 4:30pm. Only 8 or 9 hours of overcast sunlight a day, that depresses me. The darkness closes in around me and can feel suffocating. It frightens me too.

It reminds me of my spiritual life. Sin brings the darkness. It surrounds me. It keeps me captive. It depresses my life. God brings the light. His mercy, grace and love surrounds me and keeps me free. It uplifts my life. Christ died so I don't have to be in darkness!

If only that worked for Oregon weather as well!

Pain

This has been a hard decision for me. I have tried to keep it to myself, but I think I need to finally make it "officially" known. So, here goes. About 3 and a half years ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. If you don't know what that is, it is a chronic pain disorder. I have tried to keep it to myself because I didn't want it to impact my life. I didn't want to be defined by it. Before I was married, I worked in a doctor's office. We had a patient that had fibromyalgia and she was pale white and completely incapacitated. Her husband had to do everything for her. As the doctor gave me my diagnosis, she was the first thing I thought of. I thought that life, as I knew it, was over and I was going to become this person. I got to the car and cried. I called Brian and cried some more.

I didn't want anyone but Brian to know. As close as I am to my Dad and sister, I didn't tell them. I didn't want anything to change. Because of the diagnosis, Kaiser sent me to counseling. They helped me see the stupidity of my thoughts! I told my Dad and sister and they were, and are, super supportive. I have told very few people since then. I had my support system in place and I didn't feel like sharing the news to anyone. Unfortunately, one of the downsides of church life is that people talk. Something that I wanted to keep private was passed on to others. So, I write this knowing that some of you probably already know about it.

I am in pain every day. There is not a day that goes by that pain is not front and center. I have bad days and somewhat better days. On my bad days it feels like I have the flu. My entire body aches and my skin hurts when touched. These are the days that my muscles are so tight and painful that I just need to have them rubbed. The problem is that it hurts too much to have my skin touched.

One of the things I have the hardest time with is my physical limitations. Living with the constant pain takes a lot out of me. I am tired all the time and I never have enough energy. I am not the mom I want to be. I am not the wife I want to be. I feel like the fibromyalgia has taken those things away from me. It is a constant battle.

So, why spill the beans now? There are too many times when people want to know where I am, or why didn't I go to this, or why did she leave early from that. Well, this is why. I need to be open with others and finally accept that fibromyalgia is a part of me now. It has taken a lot of prayer to finally arrive at this point!

Still broken

I am super frustrated my toe hasn't healed yet. It has been 4 weeks and I still can't even put on shoes. I am wearing Anthony's flip flops still! (Boy, it really hits home how old he is getting when I can wears his shoes!) Plus, I am trying to lose weight and not being able to run in the morning isn't helping matters. COMCAST!!!

Dates and Books

Once a month I go on a date with each of my boys. We always go out to eat and then do something like go to the movies. Parker and Tyler each like to go to Taco Bell and then to Barnes and Noble. They know I am a book addict, so they are sure to get something. It has never failed them! I love to see my boys excited about reading.

I didn't get out of the store without something for me too. One of my favorite authors is Anita Shreve. She has a new book out called "A Change in Altitude." I first read "The Pilot's Wife" and I was an instant fan. She writes in such a real way that I felt grief for the character and then when she was mad, I was mad too. That is what I look for in a book. I want to experience it, not just have them be words on a page.

Someone recommended the book "The Art of Racing in the Rain." I picked up that one too. I will let you know what I thought about them.

Beauty

As I was driving home from taking the boys to school, I was struck with how beautiful the fall colors are.The streets of our neighborhood are lined with trees that change beautiful colors.You can't drive these streets and not see it.God really knows His colors!

Baseball cards

Over the weekend Anthony had mentioned something about baseball cards. I'm not really sure how it started but he was wanting some rookie cards. Brian and I looked at each other and knew it was time. Brian started collecting full sets of baseball cards from each year since Anthony was born. He hadn't told him, he was waiting for the right time. He wanted him to be old enough to realize the importance of them and young enough to still be excited about them. Brian turned to Anthony and broke the news. The look on Anthony's face was priceless! It was so cool. It was the kind of joy that comes out the eyes.

He spent the weekend going through every single one of those cards. He was a little boy again, just for awhile.